“PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE, BUT CAN YOU GIVE ME AND CHERYL A RIDE TO THE MALL FIRST?” A Guide for Parents of New Teenagers
by Melissa Chaiken | Section Editor
In Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?, author Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. provides insightful advice for parents of teenagers as they navigate a host of challenges, including rule-setting, establishing limits, managing disagreements, and addressing the physical and emotional transformations adolescents undergo. His discourse also touches on topics like divorce, single and blended parenting, mental health crises, adolescent sexuality, and substance abuse. Although the original edition debuted in 1992, Wolf has released a new version that acknowledges the realities faced by LGBTQ+ teens and the impact of evolving technology.
“Adolescents face a continuous and intense conflict between their ‘child selves’ and their ‘more independent selves.’”
Central to Wolf’s narrative is the concept that adolescents engage in a persistent struggle between their “child selves,” which crave the security of parental love, and their emerging independent selves that push for separation. This tug-of-war creates a cycle of internal strife for teens, leading to frequent external clashes with their parents.
One notable excerpt from the book vividly captures this turmoil: “For those who have never experienced the challenges of raising a teenager, it is challenging to fathom the daily oscillations between chaotic upheaval and genuine peace. Sometimes everything is serene and enjoyable. You cherish your child, and they seem to be doing well. Yet within moments, you may feel a rush of anger, convinced that your child is hopelessly flawed and bound for failure in life. Then, just like that, calm returns.” As a mother of two teenagers, I can relate all too well to this experience!
“Emergencies can arise with alarming suddenness, seemingly out of the blue. Parents may feel pressured to deliver an immediate and correct response, often unsure of what that response should be.”
Wolf underscores that parenting during the teenage years is inherently complex, and few parents emerge from this stage unscathed. The essential takeaway is that adolescence is merely a phase that will eventually pass. Parents must enforce boundaries, remain steadfast, and ultimately accept that they must allow their teens more autonomy to evolve into young adults. A crucial aspect of this process is recognizing that parents cannot always maintain control over their teens, who may break the rules regardless. While this can be exasperating, Wolf asserts that a parent’s consistent efforts during this period are pivotal to the teen’s growth. He further reassures parents that if they have successfully instilled their values prior to adolescence, their teen is likely to carry these values into adulthood. It’s important to remember that while enforcement may be challenging, reinforcement of values is always attainable.
Wolf does not provide a formulaic blueprint for parenting teens; instead, he explores various situations parents may encounter and suggests potential approaches. He thoughtfully cautions that sometimes, clear solutions may be elusive. He writes, “One challenge of bringing up teenagers is the constant demand for immediate, on-the-spot decisions, often without a clear path to follow.” Wolf encourages parents to trust their judgment and maintain a “firm, positive demeanor” in these moments.
“The harsh irony: we are expected to relinquish control just as the stakes rise.”
Throughout his work, Wolf, backed by over thirty years of experience as a clinical psychologist specializing in children and adolescents, consistently reminds parents that making mistakes is a normal part of raising teenagers. Reflecting on my own teens, I take comfort in his assertion that by the time a child reaches 13, their foundational values are already ingrained, meaning parental guidance doesn’t need to be incessantly vocalized to be effective.
