By Amy Ridings and Ruth Guerreiro | Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support
As many of us abide by social distancing measures and remain confined to our homes, those who suffer from domestic violence often find themselves in unsafe environments alongside their abusers. A vital service offered by Genesis is safety planning, where licensed counselors assist survivors in identifying practical changes that can enhance their security. If you’re feeling threatened in your own space, consider the strategies outlined below. However, keep in mind that each situation is different, and not all advice may be relevant to you. Trust your intuition, as you hold the most knowledge about your circumstances. Furthermore, even with the current COVID-19 crisis, remember that you can always reach out to 911 if the situation worsens.
Note: In this piece, we will use “he” when referring to the abuser for clarity. We acknowledge that abuse occurs in same-sex relationships too, and anyone experiencing such abuse deserves a safe and healthy relationship.
- STAY VIGILANT
When an abuser’s behavior intensifies, there are often telltale signs that precede an outburst. These may manifest as subtle shifts in their demeanor, body posture, or vocal tone. For some, this could be a tightly clenched fist, while for others, it may involve a specific facial expression. You might not yet be conscious of these nuances, so it’s beneficial to reflect on previous experiences to identify any patterns. Awareness of these indicators can prepare you to take precautionary actions.
- AIM TO PREVENT YOUR OWN ESCALATION
It’s a harsh truth that sometimes, being passive can serve as a protective strategy. Since abuse is fundamentally about control, when a victim stands their ground or engages in a disagreement, the abuser may react more violently. You have every right to express your feelings and defend yourself; it’s not your fault if doing so provokes a stronger response from him. The decision to remain with your partner or leave is entirely yours. Should you choose to stay or feel unable to leave, adopting a passive approach may lower the chances of further abuse. If you decide to pursue this approach, you might want to rehearse scenarios to maintain a peaceful environment. For example, you might want your partner’s help with household tasks given your increased time at home, but making such requests could upset the power balance, leading to possible retaliation. While this isn’t just or fair, your efforts to express opinions might have unexpected repercussions.
Understanding this situation can be immensely challenging—it requires immense self-control when confronting a partner’s rage. If you find that remaining passive results in a semblance of safety, you may come to feel that your relationship only allows you to exist when you’re submissive. This revelation can be incredibly hard to accept, but please know that you are not alone; we are here to support you through these complexities.
- HAVE A PLAN FOR LEAVING THE HOUSE
In moments where tensions rise, you may feel an urgent need to exit your home for the safety of yourself or your children. Before such an event occurs, consider crafting various plausible excuses for leaving, such as a trip to the grocery store, picking up a prescription, or simply stepping out for fresh air. Although leaving can be more challenging in the current climate, finding a way to step outside could help to reduce the intensity of the situation. Conversely, for some, exiting the home might increase risks, such as a worse retaliation upon returning or the potential for your partner to physically restrain you. In such cases, stepping onto a porch or into the yard may be a safer choice, as outside visibility could reduce the likelihood of escalation. Assess your unique circumstances carefully and plan accordingly.
- PREPARE YOUR CHILDREN
Abusers frequently operate under an ingrained belief that they possess rights that the victim must fulfill. Increased time spent together often leads to heightened stress, particularly with children present. If you notice your partner becoming agitated by noise, consider engaging your kids with quieter activities. (We are continually working on compiling resources to assist you with this.) Should your partner hold you responsible for disorganization in the home, think of interactive ways to keep things tidy and calm. You alone understand your partner’s triggers, so preemptively planning for these scenarios can be beneficial.
You may also want to establish a code word with your children. Discuss this privately and explain its purpose in advance. For instance, let them know that if you say, “It’s time to go get your medicine,” they should immediately go outside and stand by the front door. Additionally, consider a second code word that signals when your child should call 911.
While no safety plan can guarantee your absolute protection, it can significantly reduce your risk. If you wish to develop a personalized safety strategy tailored to your situation, our hotline is available 24/7. You do not have to be a client of Genesis, and you’re not required to disclose your identity. Remember, you are not to blame for the abuse you face; you deserve respect, and your voice is important.
For further information regarding safety planning, please visit the Genesis safety planning webpage.
Contact Information:
- Emergency Hotline: 214.946.HELP (4357)
- Main Outreach Office: 214.389.7700
Authored by Amy Ridings, Communication Director, and Ruth Guerreiro, LCSW, Senior Director of Clinical and Non-Residential Services at Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support
