By Grace Gillaspie Gray | Contributor
Do you recall your first romantic interest? I certainly do. His name was Bryan. A well-known skater boy with a large group of friends, I was in the midst of a significant identity crisis, trying to determine my place in the world. We dated for just two weeks (never actually going out anywhere) before a brief 0.5-second kiss occurred at my locker on the way to lunch in eighth grade. Our friends erupted with giggles as we entered the cafeteria afterward since the kiss had clearly been orchestrated by at least six others. That evening, he ended things with me via instant messenger because he had his sights set on Margaret instead.
Fortunately, I have gained valuable insights about relationships since those middle school days, but it required much trial and error to comprehend what constitutes a healthy partnership.
Establishing a healthy relationship involves several foundational elements. Firstly, parents should demonstrate and impart to teenagers the importance of self-love and personal protection, emphasizing that this should be their primary focus. Adolescence represents a time of considerable self-discovery, making it unreasonable to expect teens to fully understand their identities. Regardless of your relationship status—divorced, single, dating, remarried, or in a stable marriage—what counts is showcasing how you interact with others.
Secondly, honesty about your own relationships is crucial. Do not conceal arguments from your children; allow them to witness how conflicts arise and resolve. Let them observe you compromising, acknowledging when you’re wrong, and apologizing. It’s also important for them to see how you reconcile afterward, demonstrating that the strength of the relationship outweighs the dispute.
Thirdly, if your teenager expresses a desire to date, it’s important to share your perspective, but don’t anticipate their complete agreement. Despite sharing your DNA and living in your home, they are independent individuals who will make their own choices. Safety is the paramount boundary, which must be upheld. Make it clear that they can always approach you for assistance. When they do so, offer help without inducing feelings of shame. Encourage self-respect and protection. Remember, no parent is flawless, but your genuine efforts to nurture your teen will always be significant.
Asking questions rather than providing direct statements can assist teens in recognizing how to love and protect themselves. Here are some examples:
• “Do I feel secure in this situation?”
• “Is this causing me emotional or physical pain?”
• “Are my preferences being respected?”
• “Is my opinion being acknowledged?”
• “Might I regret this in the future?”
• “Would I feel ashamed if my friends or family found out about this?”
• “What is my intuition suggesting?”
• “Are my partner and I sharing decision-making responsibilities fairly?”
Maintaining open communication with your teenager is essential, whether through modeling behavior or direct dialogue. Prioritize asking about their experiences before offering your own advice, and focus on listening rather than merely talking. By communicating thoughtfully, you convey that you support them unconditionally and that your love does not hinge on their actions.
In need of further assistance? Organizations such as Girls to Women and Young Men’s Health & Wellness can help facilitate these dialogues, or you can explore the resources listed below.
Editor’s Note: Grace Gillaspie Gray is a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner at Girls to Women/Young Men’s Health and Wellness, with locations in Dallas, Fort Worth, and McKinney (opening in February 2020). For more information, visit their website at www.gtw-health.com or call 972-733-6565.
Resources:
Turning Point-Rape Crisis Hotline and Center800.886.7243
Texas Teen Runaway Hotline888.580.HELP
National Dating Abuse Help Line800.331.9474
The Trevor Lifeline-Hotline for LGBTQ Teens866.488.7386
The Family Place-Domestic Violence Hotline214.941.1991
