Wise Guidance for the Sandwich Generation
By Dr. Paul Chafetz | Contributor
Are you a Child of a Challenging Older Parent (CODOP)? If you frequently feel as though no matter what you do, your senior parent remains dissatisfied, you might fit this description. Balancing the duty to honor those who raised you while also caring for your own family – and maintaining your own mental well-being – can be incredibly challenging. After many years of working with the elderly, I can reassure you that you’re not the only one facing the trials of dealing with difficult behaviors in aging parents, and I want to offer you some perspective on your feelings.
When I arrived in Dallas in 1982 as the city’s first fellowship-trained clinical gero-psychologist, my practice led me into various aspects of senior care across the community. While the majority of older adults are wonderful individuals – competent, connected, and pleasant – many clients came to me during tough times in their lives. However, a significant number of older individuals referred to my services were specifically identified as quite challenging. These parents exhibited rudeness toward their children, often using cruel sarcasm, making unreasonable and selfish requests, and expressing unwarranted anger. Most adult children caught in these situations were genuinely good people, making heroic efforts to love their parents. In 2015, after assisting hundreds in similar situations, I developed the term CODOP to describe these adults grappling with difficult older parents.
From my experience, challenging parent dynamics can be categorized into two groups of behaviors. The first list includes six behaviors typically displayed by chronically difficult parents, often linked to personality disorders. The second list outlines six behaviors commonly seen in parents who have recently become difficult, usually reflecting emerging dementia (see sidebar).
To thrive amid these challenges, adult children of difficult older parents require:
1 Support from those who truly understand the CODOP struggle
2 Practical tools for comprehending their parents’ behavior
3 Skills for engaging with their parents in constructive ways
4 Mechanisms to prevent becoming difficult parents themselves
Unfortunately, these needs frequently go unmet, leading to exhaustion among adult children as they manage chronic unpleasant emotions. Many feel defeated when traditional conflict-resolution techniques, such as reasoning, fail to maintain tranquility with their difficult parents. A sense of betrayal and isolation often follows, particularly after disappointing encounters with mental health professionals regarding their parents’ behaviors.
My work focuses on empowering adult children to safeguard their emotional health, learn to love their challenging older relatives effectively, and establish a positive legacy for their own children. Central to my approach are vital tools that can equip them to deal with these situations, including gaining insights into personality disorders or dementia, forming realistic expectations, setting firm boundaries, and steering clear of unproductive discussions with irrational individuals.
I strongly believe that the obstacles and dilemmas we face throughout life – in relationships, love, and loss – provide us with valuable opportunities for growth and learning. Even from challenging parental relationships, we can shift from feeling victimized to recognizing our capacity to foster a healthier legacy for our children. In essence, life offers us lessons in growth and development. Regardless of age – whether in our twenties, forties, sixties, or beyond – we can adapt to life’s demands and evolve accordingly. My role is to facilitate this growth through psychological insights, concepts, and skills.
I aspire to cultivate a community for CODOPs in Dallas. I want every adult child of a challenging older parent to understand that you are not alone, effective tools for navigating these situations are available, and personal growth is within reach!
If you identify as a CODOP or know someone who is, please connect with us through my website, www.paulkchafetz.com, our Meetup group, my published book, or by joining our free monthly CODOP support group at 6:30 p.m. on the fourth Tuesday of every month at Unity Church of Forest Lane.
