The Uncomfortable Conversation Every Parent and Child Dreads
For many in the Sandwich Generation—those caught between raising children and caring for aging parents—the responsibilities can feel overwhelming. While protecting our kids remains our top priority, a pressing question arises: who is looking out for us as the children?
by Colin Smith | Contributor
Regardless of whether one is a parent or child, discussing estate planning and financial matters often brings discomfort. The complexities of modern life can turn these conversations into daunting challenges. It’s easy to think, “Why should I confront this now? It will only matter when I’m gone, right?”
Unfortunately, that assumption is misguided. In my experience, I frequently hear comments in my office like, “That could never happen in our family.” or “My kids would never behave that way.” or “We have such a good relationship.” But relationships can change unexpectedly. New family members may alter dynamics, and issues like addiction or jealousy can arise. A single incident can considerably shift the family landscape.
As parents, addressing who will take care of our minor children in our estate planning involves some tough choices. Many find it easier to delay these conversations, often opting for avoidance over action. Even once the paperwork is done, communicating the details with your children can feel like an insurmountable task. Similarly, it’s not easy for children to initiate these discussions with their parents.
At some point, someone needs to spark this vital conversation. Before doing so, adult children should clarify the information they need. It’s important to inquire beyond just whether a Will exists. Are there powers of attorney or health care directives in place? Who has access to medical records? How do different accounts and insurance policies work together? Understanding these elements is crucial.
Involving trusted individuals can make these discussions smoother. Some of my clients choose to bring their adult children into our meetings. When everyone is aware of the parents’ wishes and participates in the discussion, the likelihood of disagreements is significantly lowered. By “disagreement,” I refer to the potential disputes over what Mom or Dad would have wanted.
A common trigger for these conversations often arises when a parent experiences a health issue like Alzheimer’s, dementia, or a stroke, rendering them unable to make personal decisions. At this stage, someone must take on the responsibility of making financial or medical choices on their behalf. This could be an attorney, guardian, or trustee—especially pertinent given that many of us might face disabilities before we pass away due to advancements in healthcare.
The lengths to which individuals may go due to misunderstanding can be extraordinary and troubling. Some may try to limit access to their parents, attempt to secure signatures on legal documents under duress, or even resort to theft, deception, or physical harm—all in pursuit of financial gain or out of selfish motivations. These actions often lead to justifications like, “This is what Mom or Dad would have wanted.” Regardless of the rationale, the fallout typically results in family members engaging in legal battles over parents and their assets. Such disputes not only consume significant estate resources in legal fees but can also fracture familial bonds permanently.
To avert this chaos, it’s essential to have an estate plan drafted with professional guidance. Careful decision-making is critical. Inform your attorney of any existing family tensions, and ensure your plan is comprehensive. Once your estate planning is complete, approach your parents about theirs. You can initiate this conversation by saying, “We’ve just finalized our estate plan, which brings us peace of mind. Have you considered doing something similar?”
Furthermore, once all the necessary documents are prepared, sit down individually with each family member to explain your decisions and the reasoning behind them. Involving the attorney who created the plans during these discussions can also help. When children are informed about your wishes, they will be more inclined to assist you when necessary and feel relieved from the burden of having to ask about your plans after their own are secured.
