By Cheryl Maguire
While it can be tempting to nag our children regarding their actions (or lack thereof), specialists suggest that adhering to certain fundamental principles can lead to greater cooperation and a more harmonious family dynamic.
“It’s common for parents to fall into the habit of expecting their children to comply without question, and nagging often stems from this impulse to enforce compliance,” statesDr. Linda Kudla, a clinical psychologist associated with The Child and Family Institute.
Dr. Kudla emphasizes that when nagged, teenagers usually either distance themselves from their parents (which escalates the nagging cycle) or exhibit increasingly defiant behaviors, including non-compliance and dishonesty.
Dr. Sherry Kelly, a clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist based in Hartford, C.T., notes, “Nagging often arises from differing expectations. Like a flawed math equation, if parents’ expectations greatly diverge from those of their teens, disappointment ensues, leading to more nagging.”
She further explains that it is essential for parents to mitigate nagging, as this behavior can contribute to feelings of anxiety and depression in teenagers.
Below are strategies for parents aiming to alter their nagging habits:
Clarify Expectations
Clearly communicating your expectations is crucial in ensuring both you and your teen are aligned.
“Parents often set expectations that don’t align with reality. Be explicit about what you desire for your teens, and make an effort to listen to their perspectives as well,” advises Dr. Kelly.
Recognize Nagging is Rooted in Fear
Identify any fears that may be influencing your nagging, and either discuss these concerns with your teen or find a way to address them.
“Nagging can often signal an underlying anxiety. When parents nag, it’s typically a reflection of their anxiety for their child, and this behavior can provide an illusory sense of control,” believesAmy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC, a licensed psychotherapist in Houston, TX.
Accept This Developmental Stage
Teens may resist parental requests as part of their natural progression towards independence.
“As they strive for autonomy, it’s normal for teens to push back or fail to comply with requests,” says Rollo.
Amanda Sasek, MS LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Plymouth, MN agrees. “Parents should understand that this behavior is a typical developmental phase and work collaboratively with their teens rather than against them. It’s important to remember that a teen’s disregard is usually not a personal affront; rather, they are seeking to exert control during a time they perceive as otherwise limiting,” Sasek explains.
“As they strive for autonomy, it’s normal for teens to push back or fail to comply with requests.”
Set Joint Objectives with Your Teen
Establishing common goals will foster teamwork between parents and their teens.
“Engage in a discussion with your teen about their chores, soliciting their input on what to do and when,” suggests Sasek.
Dr. Kudla recommends observational dialogue aimed at reaching a fair compromise between parent and teen. For instance, you might say, “I’ve noticed your room still needs cleaning—what’s going on?” Validate any reasons they provide for the delay, and explore solutions together, perhaps even offering an enjoyable activity as a reward for completing the task.
Transform Nagging into Supportive Dialogue
Dean Beckloff, PhD, LPC-S, founder of The Beckloff Behavioral Center in Dallas, Texas suggests reinterpreting nagging as guiding your teens towards better choices. He asserts that minimizing your words and choosing them carefully can help eliminate the sound of nagging. “This helps you express your guidance without a nagging tone,” he notes. Additionally, he advises treating teens with the same respect you’d afford an adult.
Dr. Kelly advocates for breaking the nagging cycle through the PAR approach: Prepare, Accommodate, and Reframe.
She elaborates that parents should PREPARE themselves for potential triggers, ACKNOWLEDGE their own feelings of frustration, and REFRAME their responses into constructive feedback. “This is crucial for parents, as nagging can often feel like criticism. While you may mean to guide your teen, they may perceive your message as an attack,” she cautions.
Professionals agree that many disputes can be resolved through compromise, leading to better understanding and reduced stress for both parents and teens.
“Treat your teen with the same respect you’d afford an adult.”
Express Gratitude
“Research shows that expressing gratitude activates areas of the brain associated with happiness and decreases stress, contributing to overall health,” shares Dr. Kelly.
When parents show appreciation for their children’s actions, teens are more likely to perform those actions again.
Dr. Beckloff also emphasizes the importance of seeking external support when necessary, whether through educators, tutors, or mental health professionals.
