By Cheryl Maguire
“Now I’ll never know the answer.”
This sentiment often echoes from my mom since she lost her parents. Frequently, she reflects on childhood memories or potential genetic health issues she wishes she had asked them about while they were still alive. With this admission, a veil of sadness seems to envelop her, stemming from the unanswered questions that only her parents could address. Beyond her longing for them, there’s a palpable regret over not having inquired when she had the chance.
Michelle Blanchard Ardillo, 64, a freelance writer and academic tutor based in Rockville, MD, resonates with this feeling. “I wish I had encouraged my parents to share more about their early lives and experiences,” she expresses, feeling a gap where those familial bonds should be.
Gretchen Kubacky, Psy.D.,a health psychologist and author of “Moving Through Grief: Proven Techniques for Finding Your Way After Any Loss,” also shares her reflections following her parents’ passing. “I regret not asking my mother about her bond with her father or whether staying home to raise us was a choice she actually desired. For my father, I’d like to have learned more about his upbringing as a first-generation German-American,” she confides.
As my own parents are still living, I’m motivated to avoid similar regrets. Seeking wisdom, I consulted experts on how to approach this sensitive topic.
“When your parents pass, it’s essential to minimize regrets and ensure you did right by them. The only way to achieve this is by seeking answers while they are still around,” Kubacky advises.
Questions to Consider
Wondering where to begin this conversation? It can feel daunting and emotionally charged, as discussions surrounding mortality are often challenging. Amy Pickard, a grief coach, has developed a Departure File filled with questions about childhood memories, life achievements, and meaningful reflections. Parents might prefer to complete the form themselves, or it could serve as a helpful guide for starting a dialogue.
Clare Bidwell Smith, a grief counselor and author of “Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief,” recommends employing Pickard’s booklet or utilizing Conversation Cards to facilitate deeper discussions. Drawing from their experiences with grieving clients, Kubacky and Bidwell Smith suggest key questions to explore:
What do you believe happens after we die?
What are your thoughts on the afterlife?
How would you like to be remembered?
Are there particular signs I should look for that will make me think of you?
Which songs remind you of me?
Are there special places you cherish that I could visit?
When I miss you, is there something you believe I should hold on to or do?
What’s your fondest memory from childhood?
Can you tell me about your first date with (the other parent)? How did you meet?
What accomplishments make you feel proud?
Do you have any significant regrets?
If you could have changed one decision in your life, what would it be and why?
Dealing with Reluctance
If your parent hesitates to engage in these discussions, how should you proceed? Experts suggest various approaches for handling such resistance.
Kubacky recommends acknowledging your parents’ boundaries while persistently revisiting the subjects. “Many shy away from discussing illness, death, or finances. However, it’s beneficial for both parties to share some insights to make caregiver transitions smoother when necessary,” she points out.
Pickard shares that her father isn’t one for emotional discussions, so she approached him in a way that would feel easier for him to navigate. Rather than a personal inquiry, she posed the question: “What are ten traits you think I’ve inherited from you?” Initially, he dismissed the idea, but later called back with a list of shared qualities like her sense of humor and athletic skills.
She emphasizes that it may take multiple inquiries before your parents open up, as was the case with her father. “You might have to be persistent. If they seem unwilling to talk, keep pushing gently and find creative methods to elicit the information,” she advises.
Why These Discussions Matter
Pickard elaborates on the value of reminiscing as a means of affirming life. “Engaging in these conversations will yield no regrets,” she assures.
She continues, “The dialogues you share with your parents can provide immense comfort during your grief. Those exchanges will remain memorable and nurturing during challenging times.”
About the Author:
Cheryl Maguire holds a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology. A married mother of twins and a daughter, her writings have been featured in The New York Times, Parents Magazine, AARP, Rodrigosaffiliates.com, Healthline, Your Teen Magazine, among other publications.
